Sometimes when I look at my son I can't believe that he's actually really existing in my life. He's physically there of course, but the fact that he used to not be there but now is is something that kinda blows my mind whenever I try to think about it. It's like the infinite difference between '1' and '0', you just can't put in words just how big a difference it has made to you life.
He's made our lives so much more complicated as a result. Our days feel like they're solely organised around his napping, feeding and sleeping times. In fact most of our life now is nothing like the life we used to live at all, a reality that I find quite difficult to grasp even at the best of times.
Life carries on though and slowly but surely my son (and all future children God blesses me with) will grow up and become, God willing, capable and responsible adults. In the meantime I still need to work, the house needs to be cleaned and maintained and HY and I need to go about living our daily lives with family, friends, church etc.
But conflict often arises within myself when I try to return to old habits or comforts. Mundane things like reading a newspaper or book or spending time on the computer but nonetheless the little habits I pampered myself with whenever I was tired. Now they've all become choices of how to spend my free time that I have to weigh against playing and interacting with my son.
It's not a meaningless sacrifice. I know that by interacting with him I'm not only building up a relationship but also teaching him. Play isn't just play, it's about teaching him creativity and how to solve problems. My disciplining him will teach him obedience and self control. Thus he will learn invariably to be a sensible and upright member of society.
Still, when I've had a brutal day at work, and just don't feel like doing anything anymore it can be a difficult choice to make. Surely just spending one day doing what i want for a change wouldn't hurt, would it?
Whenever I find myself thinking that way I have to correct myself quickly by remembering this: these days will not last. Soon my boy will become a teenager and then a man; before long he won't be searching for my advice or my company and I'll regret the times when I did not give it to him instead focusing solely on my selfish needs.
Ultimately this is all in God's hands. His development, his character his future, all of it. I'm just one of the agents that God is using to mould him into the man He wants him to be. And I'm ok with that, in fact I welcome it, all because I love him and want what's best for him.
Only when the days have gone by and my son has grown up will I know the outcome of my sacrifice and whether what I gave for him was worth it or not. Till then, I can only pray… and trust that God has it all under control.